PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
