it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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