You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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