First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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