you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
