Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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