why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
