I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
