I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
