dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
