She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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