Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
