he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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