Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
if only i could text you this smell
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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