3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
