And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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