so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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