Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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