I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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