I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
