Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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