Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
