worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Let's paint friendship bongs
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
