I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
