watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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