He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
