Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
