what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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