I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize