I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
