I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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