3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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