im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
