I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
