We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
i think my cat just said my name.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
