had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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