I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize