dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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