You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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