Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
