JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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