he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
