It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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