Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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