This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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