I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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