update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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