I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize