Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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