Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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