Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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