Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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