Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
