between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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