i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
did you just send me my own nude
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
